Kon'nichiwa!
Actually I have my own journal diary but nak juga up sini ehee. Kalau ada yang pernah baca entri aku sebelum ni, I said that I wanna be active in persatuan kan? Just to forget silly things and sibukkan diri. Yes, semester 3 aku joined Rexco UKLK and Exco Psych Comm. Yeah, aku suka at first sebab dapat improve my soft skills, communication and gain experiences.
I love it until they know who's my dad. Bermula dari situ, they treated me differently. Some said that I got places in UKLK because my dad is Pengetua UKLK. Some also said that I got in UPSI because I got big cable behind my back.
You know what, every night aku menangis sebab ni. Aku tak mampu cerita benda ni kat kawan-kawan especially my parents. I scared that it might breaks their hearts. So I keep it with myself. But hey, kadang-kadang aku tak dapat tahan sangat apa lecturer/ orang-orang sekeliling bercakap pasal Abah, aku cerita semua kat Umie. Kenapa dari dulu ada je orang yang dengki dengan Abah? Ramai yang nak jatuhkan Abah, I can't. Abah selalu pesan, biarlah orang dengki, tak puas hati dengan kita. Selagi kita tak ganggu orang, tak sakitkan hati orang lain, tu pun dah cukup. Jangan create masalah, be yourself, peduli apa orang cakap. Orang takkan pernah puas dengan apa yang dia ada. Orang yang suka mengutuk dan menjatuhkan kita ni sebab dia cemburu dia tak boleh jadi macam kita. Kita buat je kerja kita, biarlah orang nak buat apa pun.
It's scary how someone can secretly hate on you but pretend to be so nice and lovely but behind your back they just wants the worst for you. And the worst part of all they hate on you so much it's because you have what they don't have.
Pernah juga lecturers asked me either aku masuk UPSI sebab aku nak atau sebab my dad is here. Bro, it's really broke my heart into pieces.
Why? Salah ke aku sambung sini walaupun my dad is here with me? Am I not worth it? I feel sucks being here, sometimes. If I'm here because I got big fucking cable with me, then why aku susah-susah belajar, mentally and physically stressed when I'm in Matriculation before? Aku ada kabel besar, kenapa tak lepas SPM terus sambung sini je? I know that people love judging. But did you guys think the other side? Yes, setiap orang ada perspektif tersendiri but dude, you've grown up can you please don't feed your mind with this shits? Judging people won't make you happy.
Yes, honestly aku sambung sini bukan atas kehendak aku. Bukan atas keinginan aku. Lepas habis matriks, aku applied UPU sama macam orang lain. Pilih Uni yang kita nak. Pilih course yang kita minat. I did. I did chose my favorite courses and which Uni I wanted. But, my parents are my life. I can't live without them. They wanted me to pursue Psychology's here. Aku pun macam orang lain juga, nak buat mak ayah bangga. So I did changed what I've chose before and letak juga pilihan yang dorang nak. Seriously, before the result came out, I prayed that I got tempat yang jauh. Far from here. I wanna get out of here. I think a lot. A lot sampai kadang-kadang buat aku stress. Every time when I heard my parents really wanted me always by their side, I cried. A lot. Masa tu aku tak faham lagi apa yang dorang nak sebenarnya. Kenapa tak bagi aku sambung jauh-jauh? Kenapa aku perlu ikut cakap dorang? Kenapa aku perlu sambung bidang yang aku langsung tak minat? I'm a big girl now. I can decide and do whatever I want. This is my life. Why they're controlling my life?
Sejujurnya, itulah ayat yang keluar dari mulut aku setiap malam sebelum tidur. But then there's one day, I don't know what had happened, I woke up and I cried a thousands river. I prayed aku dapat sambung belajar dekat. Dekat dengan family, dekat dengan parents aku. Maybe sebab malam tu aku terfikir pasal arwah cik, mek, dan tok wan. Three of them, I lost three of them. Arwah cik which is my dad's dad, meninggal masa aku darjah satu. Arwah mek, my dad's mom and arwah tok wan, my mom's dad meninggal in the same year, masa aku tingkatan 5. Masa tingkatan 5, my family mostly balik kampung without me because I got classes, tuition etc.
Aku ingat lagi, that day, Sabtu, my dad baru je balik dari Kelantan petang tu. But evening around 7 PM, kami tengah dinner, and got a call. Tu first time aku tengok Abah menangis. Petang tu juga balik Kelantan.
Dah selesai part ni, few months ulang-alik balik Kedah pulak sebab my grandpa tak sihat. Aku ingat sangat-sangat masa tu baru je puasa, tok wan admitted hospital. So kami balik Kedah. Since aku ponteng sekolah, so there's one day aku jaga tok wan kat hospital. Masa tu tok wan senyum je tengok aku, dia genggam tangan aku macam tak nak lepas. I stayed by his side sampai petang. Petang tu terus gerak balik Tg malim. Benda yang aku tak duga, few days lepas tu tok wan masuk ICU. It's Tuesday. Serius cakap, lepas balik sekolah selasa tu, aku dah packed baju, dah ready nak balik Kedah. But, since Abah kerja the whole day, so it's understandable. Malam tu, aku tak mampu siapkan homeworks, tak mampu study sebab nangis fikir nak balik. Same goes to my mom. Tak sedap duduk, tak tahu kenapa. Around 11.30 PM Abah suruh aku bersiap and kejut adik-adik, nak balik Kedah. I thought I can made it. I thought he will wait for me, for us but on the way balik tu, I got a call from my cousin saying that he's gone. It's 12.30 AM. 17 July 2015. It's my cousin's birthday. Tinggal seminggu je lagi, seminggu je lagi Raya Puasa. And 2 minggu lagi trial SPM.
Think of this makes me wanna stay forever with my family. Bukan kita je getting old, our parents too. Since Abah pun selalu outstation, takkanlah aku nak tinggalkan my mom with adik-adik je kan? I need to be there with her. So, aku berdoa so that aku dapat sambung belajar dekat je. Alhamdulillah, I got Palam. But, my parents were not happy with the result. So, I decided untuk mohon rayuan and Alhamdulillah, they're happy. I live happily semester 1 dan 2, pergi balik kelas seorang diri, such a heaven (but got curfew sepanjang semester 1 lol). Tak perlu sibuk-sibuk lepak, makan sorta. Jimat pun jimat hahaha and yes, it's such a freedom boleh duduk rumah and nobody knows aku anak siapa. Nampak macam happy kan? Member tak ada, yakin kau happy? Tak ada kawan? Serius lah? Yes, mamandangkan aku drive, so they love taking advantage of me. Minta belanja itu ini, minta bawa pergi sana sini. Haa memanglah aku driver dan ATM korang. Terima kasihlah yang pernah layan aku macam ni. Sebab ni juga aku jauhkan diri dari orang, jauhkan diri dari semua orang. Aku pulak jenis bergaul dengan semua orang. Tak perlu pun ada geng geng sendiri. Tak berkembang langsung. Aku penat. Penat dengan perangai manusia.
Because of that, semester 1 dan 2 hidup aku a bit mess. That's why I've decided my third semester aku akan aktif persatuan. Hoping for a better life but nahhh makin ramai yang tahu, makin ramai yang kenal, makin ramai taking advantages, judging blablabla I'm tired. Sometimes I gave up. I gave up everything I have.
Dan makin lama juga aku faham apa yang parents aku mahukan. Aku kutip balik hati aku yang berkecai, aku cari balik semangat yang hilang, aku cari balik kekuatan aku dulu. Here I am. Honestly, masa semester 2 aku selalu jugalah lepak balik malam. Sampai kadang-kadang Abah call ingatkan aku untuk balik 😂 Tak lama lepas tu kan, aku dapat tahu dari Umie, setiap kali aku keluar malam Abah will wait for me. Sumpah aku nangis bila tahu ni. What have I done? Same goes to semester 3 and 4. Semester 3 dan 4 aku ada banyak sangat meetings, kadang-kadang sampai 1 AM. And guess what, setiap kali meeting, kalau pukul 12 AM aku tak balik lagi, Abah confirm akan call. Then, bila dah sampai rumah, Abah siap bukakan pintu for me 😢 I love you Abah! And yeah sebab ni jugaklah aku memang takkan keluar malam kecuali meeting.
Yeah of course lah ada member member yang tanya, "eh yana, kau tak lepak sekali?" "eh asal awal sangat balik? baru 12am, jomlah lepak," "yana tak chill. Habis meeting terus blah," well, people won't understand unless they're in our shoes.
A little time is all I really need. I am doing the best I can with everything I am. Don't you know nobody's perfect? Do you understand how hard I'm trying to do the best I can? I got a picture of what matters and I keep it close to my heart. It's a little faded but so am I.
Sekarang semester 4. Tinggal 3 semester lagi. Aku harap aku mampu hadapi semua ni dengan tenang dan smooth. InshaAllah aku akan sambung rexco dan exco untuk sidang depan. I need to live my life peacefully because in the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take.
Good things come to those who believe, better things come to those who are patient, and the best things come to those who don't give up.
